Question: What do you think of this? (teenage readers views are wanted :D )?

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Answer #1:

i liked it...are her family like the mafia or something??

Answer #2:

This is a very interesting story and it has a great writing style. I would revise some grammar here and there. And I would spell check one more time. But overall, its an exquisite writing fashion. Your main protagonist seems truly developed. Well done.

Answer #3:

I thought it was good, interesting story plot.

Answer #4:

The beginning kept my interest, so good job on that. Then it came to the 'name' part and I lost all interest. It just seems very unlikely and almost impossible for people to react like that (slap in the face) to a person with a last name that's supposed to be doomed. A person who was just teased out of class by bursting into tears won't retaliate like that and slap the bully in the face. Plus, it's against the law. It just doesn't make me believe your story.

You need more setting and try to make it more believable. High school is something so many people know, so they will know when something is out of place, or seems unlikely to happen. If a teacher would hate that last name so much, then that person would have NO friends, everyone in class would hate him/her (I don't even know the gender...) etc.

Also be careful with your tenses. You write in past tense and in first person. In this paragraph you suddenly reverted to present tense:

"My family and life aren’t exactly anything that you would want to write down... the only people that writes about my family are the newspapers and the police documenters. I try my best to avoid anything and everything to do with my family. But it doesn’t matter how hard I try I will always be a Drummond; the lowest of the low."

The words 'aren't, writes, try, will' are present tense words, something which does not belong in your past tense writing, so be careful about that. The words should be: 'weren't, wrote, tried, would' when written in past tense.

Oh, one last thing, even if the dialogue sentence end in a ! or a ?, the next word (called dialogue tags) should not be capitalized. Like this sentence:

“You horrid filthy Drummond!” She said my name with utter repulsion.

The word 'She' should not be capitalized as it's just a continuation of the dialogue sentence. Not many people actually know this, so don't feel bad :)

Anyways, work on your beginning a bit so that we believe that the last name has a bad reputation, and don't forget you are writing in past tense! Other than that, you're doing fine.

Answer #5:

I thought it was a good beginning to a story, captivated my interest because of the name thing. Needs a few tweaks here and there regarding grammar and tense, but that can be easily resolved. Your plot is interesting, and it's nice that it's set in a high school because it's something a lot of teens can relate to. Although it does seem a little odd about the teachers reaction, but if the secret behind her name is powerful enough, that could make it seem more realistic. Also, the story seems unique. I haven't read anything will a similar idea written in this way before. So, great job. I'd really like to read the rest; I hope it's as good as the beginning.

Answer #6:

I like it but I'm starting to think of the name almost like another race or something from the way the teacher reacted





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